Selected Digest – August 2019

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August 2019: The Best of the beverage industry.

We have, as we do every month, the best of the beverage news right here: the tea of imporverishment, coffee or tea: no impact on the quality of your sleep, human compost, is there a pilot who's sober on the plane, Costa Rica and contraband alcohol, Skol and sexist joke ...

Sweet Dreams Are Made of ... a Tea or Coffee at Bedtime

How many times have we heard someone punctiliously declare: “No coffee tonight; it’ll keep me awake”? Well, it’s a serious error (of taste): coffee or tea drunk just before going to bed, according to a new scientific study, has absolutely no impact on the quality of your sleep (at least, as long as you aren’t a smoker or a heavy drinker). On this basis, we feel it incumbent upon us to say to these crazy doctors: “You should have told us earlier: how many of us have rued the idea of refusing a coffee late at night ... and how many have believed that guzzling pots of coffee (or tea) would prevent them nodding off?”

The Tea of Impoverishment

The English, as we know, have managed to keep their monarchy in fine fettle. They also succeeded in thrashing Mr Hitler and the band of imbeciles who believed to the end in the deadly mirage of National Socialism; so all their eccentricities, like driving on the left, confusing people with a non-metric system, boiling an excellent beef “roast,” liberally dousing all their meals with the notorious HP sauce, or even paying $800 for a cup of tea, can’t really be held against them ... It could even be argued that it’s natural, right, as a Golden Tips Tea cannot be compared with a bog-standard Lipton cuppa, which is just as notorious as the previously mentioned sauce, and further, that the French shouldn’t be throwing stones, when they charge more than 100,000 euros for some bottles of Romanée-Conti.

Deutschland Über Alkohol

While beer consumption is reaching record levels across the world, with Germany considered the centre to which all tankards gravitate, our friends over the Rhine have decided to de-sanctify the hoppy beverage by removing its all-powerful alcoholic essence. Just like Luther during the epic era of the Wars of Religion, a reform of consciousnesses is taking place in the collective sober subconscious of our German cousins. It is written in the Reinheitsgebot (a decree on the “purity of beer”) “And thou shalt subject the one who drinks non-alcoholic beer to the mockery of all.”  These days, the new generation of Germans has decided to break with 500 years of near-biblical laws; some passages of the holy canon of the Hop have been struck out in favour of mentions that are more atomkraft nein danke, such as: “And thou shalt drink thy alcohol-free beer without shame.”

Don’t Drink and Fly

Two somewhat inebriated pilots, a flight attendant who collapses “dead drunk” during the oh-so-serious, but oh-so-mind-numbing safety demonstration, a captain caught with a flask in his jacket ... “Is there a pilot who’s still sober on the plane?” will soon be the common refrain of those boarding. To combat drunkenness at the flight controls, the official “fermentation” period for pilots has been lengthened by four hours. The captain and co-pilot are required to lay off the booze twelve hours before a flight or risk being grounded. It might be as well to abstain entirely ... Or come to an arrangement with your co-pilot, unless he has the same liking for the bottle.

Costa Rica and Contraband Alcohol

Twenty-five people – a frightening number – have died after apparently having drunk adulterated alcohol in certain establishments in the popular tourist destination of Costa Rica. Antifreeze seems to be involved; vehicle screenwash is also one of the killers ... Unless you are one of the “Transformers,” these kinds of products are hardly recommended for consumption, even when heavily diluted in real alcohol. Yet another unpleasant case of adulterated alcohol ...

Drink the Real Stuff

How can you tell the difference between “good” alcohol and contraband? That’s the big question for anyone wanting to have an enjoyable holiday without worrying about ending up in a mortuary fridge. As the risk of drinking adulterated alcohol during a stay in some popular tourist destinations is a real one, here are some practical tips that may, perhaps, spare you the worst ...

Women, Skol Offers You an Apology!

We’ve probably all listened to a lewd joke with a polite fixed grin. The age-old habit of mocking those weaker than oneself, foreigners, minorities, and others in general (often in their absence) was recognized by eminent philosophers as a sign of moral degeneracy, the first symptom of chronic imbecility. The superman, “the strong man” can only become entirely so if he rids himself once and for all of that mental dross that is gratuitous mockery ... except when we’re talking about making idiotic jibes behind women’s backs, with the exception, of course, of our mothers, sisters, wives ...

A Green Revolution of the Two Wheels of the Bicycle

You will need to drink 300 Nespressos and pay a bit over €1200 before you can take this magnificent bike for a spin. “Che” said: “The revolution is like a bicycle; when the wheels aren’t turning, it falls.” While our planet is already burning and the recycling of plastic waste required in most industrial nations is a joke (only 3% of this waste product of the oil industry is technically recyclable), this pointless turn of the wheel will be recognized by generations to come as a great moment of inertia.

The Great Recycling Is on Its Way

We know that aluminium, most other metals, and glass can be infinitely recycled, and that everything seems to be continually transformed in this universe without ever creating anything new; talking to you about human compost might seem inappropriate here, as it has nothing to do with drinks, but that’s not quite true, as the Earth itself will slowly sip your decomposing bodily fluids. This North-American “initiative” plans to transform your mortal remains into top-quality, highly nutritious compost. If the Earth could speak a little as we do (because, it’s clear, we are making no effort to understand or garble so much as three words in “Gaia” speak) we would know that it is too late, that the die is already cast; these pathetic ploys, desperately clutching at the possibility of redemption through the offering up of our bodies, will all too soon be considered null and void. We know that an enormous asteroid will “brush past” our Earth in less than ten years. When Apophis-the-Destroyer finally arrives, wreathed in a heady solar wind, to collide with it for real, we will witness a formidable, gigantic, and real instance of recycling, as it was in days of yore for those idiot dinosaurs who were snuffed out without a whimper - they had no time to make one - and we have managed, using their remains dissolved in vast oceans of oil, to suffocate the Earth, while stupidly thinking that nature would forgive our murderous mischief-making. All of this for nothing!


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